This morning, a dear friend sent me a text that challenged me in a meaningful way. So, I wanted to put this out there for anyone who might relate to It and be inspired as well.
The challenges: “Put your energy towards the very thing that was robbed from you. Sow them as seeds and watch them grow. God gives back in ways we cannot comprehend. He makes it beautiful!”
After reading this…I took some time to write down all the most painful things or people losses in my life this past year or two. It was a pretty long list if I am honest.
Too often, my patienc run thin for people who seemingly walk around feeling sorry for themselves. So, that made this process extra painful and humbling for me. Pain, sadness, loss? Oh boy…hard stuff to admit.
For a dreamer and idealist, it is crushing to scale back, downsize, let go or burry anything. I am the one with lofty goals and expectations. Everything must be good and getting better. Big and getting bigger. The reality of loss is a little like being evicted from a house you thought you owned. Emotionally, and sometimes physically, we relax in environments and relationships only to realize the “at home” attitude that we took for granted is not so secure after all.
I have spent lots of time and money on ideas that I felt were “God inspired”. Awesome, amazing ideas! Ideas are easy for me. My momma says, “You would have to wake up early every morning if you are going to “out dream” that Cindy”. Retrospectively, I can see why many of my dreams fail! Flawed logic is 20/20 in the rear view, but in the moment none of that matters. I go for it! I have often said, “follow me as I walk off this cliff!” I am so confident in my wrong-doing! Count on me for laughter and a good time through every failed step!
Asking me to “button it up”, “shut it down” or “batten down the hatches” of life? You might as well hold a pillow over me face. The very thought suffocates me. A creative person must create. Expand, grow. To admit, face and list loses… see them as seeds to be sown…that represents death.
As the granddaughter of farmers, I know that seeds only look dead. Only when they are buried in the ground do they start to grow. Yesterday in church, Pastor Bart talked about grains of wheat that were recently found in ancient tombs in the far East. Scientist tested, planted, and eventually harvested new crops from 1000-year-old seeds. Time was irrelevant to the potential and destiny of the seed. No such thing as too old!
Funny thing, the seed had been under underground all this time, but secluded in airtight containers. The seeds were then separated from each other and put in the ground unprotected! They had to contact life giving soil, water, and oxygen from the sun to break apart and sprout new growth.
But all of this sounds sad! Sometimes we get sad. It is ok to be sad. The tendency is to cover or numb the sadness. That can be a trap! For me, I have asked my Dr to prescribe me some relief. No judgment on meds for depression at all, but It wasn’t the answer for me. I found myself wanting to UP the dose and eventually adding a second pill. Guess what, I still felt sad.
One day in November 2020, I woke up about lunch time, after going to bed at 8 pm the night before. I realized this pill thing was not cutting it! Yes, they numbed my pain, but not all the way. If my expectation was to feel NOTHING… I would end up an alcoholic or pill head. The biggest bummer for me during my “meds” phase was the pills took away my happy! Yes, they knocked off the low edge of depression, but also the high edge of joy! I must laugh! We are designed by God to experience JOY! The joy region of the brain is vital to our mental health. Blocking, putting up barricades, dams and barriers the emptions by blocking the pain. It was actually hurting me more. So, I stopped. I stopped taking meds and became accountable to family and a few good friends. I started fresh.
That is correct! Facing the holidays, in a pandemic, and a long list of other stressors, I went cold turkey! That’s probably not wise, I’m just an ALL or NOTHING kind of gal!
Today, as I write this heartfelt post I can say 100%: I Don’t want drugs or alcohol. Don’t want sympathy or pity. I don’t need time or space. Not seeking a quick answer or fix. It is cheesy, but I know God has me! God has you too!
Right after listing the losses that were weighing me down today, I ended up making three more lists.
1. A KEEP list. (All the positive and healthy things I have been able to keep around)
2. A GAIN list. (All the things I have been so blessed to gain these past couple of years)
3. A GOALS list. (Expansions, improvements and achievements to come)
To recap, if you are with me: I WILL PUT ENERGY, PRAYER AND INTENTION TOWARDS THE VERY THINGS AND RELATIONSHIPS THAT HAVE BEEN ROBBED FROM ME. I WILL BLESS THEM AND SOW THEM AS SEEDS INTO THE SOIL OF MY SOUL. GOD WILL CAUSE THEM TO GROW AND BECOME LIFE ONCE MORE. HE WILL RETURN THEM AS BEAUTY IN MY LIFETIME AND I WILL REJOICE IN THE HARVEST!