MEET DRUCILLA hICKAMEE
WOULD BOB BACK AND FORTH LIKE A BOBBLEHEAD DOLL. IF HE
IN ADITION TO THE "CRAZY
UNCLE" THAT EVERY FAMILY HAS,
OH NO, MY FAMILY WAS FULL OF
HALARIOUS ACTORS. AS FOR MY
AMEDIATE FAMILY, WE TRAVELED
THE COUNTRY ON A BUS WITH-
OUT TELEVISION, CELL PHONE OR
INTERNET. WITH ALL THATTIME
ON OUR HANDS, WE SPENT
UNTOLD HOURS SINGING,
TELLING STORIES AND
INTERTAINING OURSELVES WITH
THE ALTERNET PERSONALITIES
THAT EACH ONE OF US HAD
DEVELOPED. WE TOOK TURNS
ACTING OUT SKITS AS IF ON THE
STAGE OF AN IMPROVISATION
COMEDY CLUB ON OPEN MIC
NIGHT. BEFORE I INTRODUCE
YOU TO DRUCILLA, LET ME TELL
YOU ABOUT A FEW MY FAMILY
MEMBERS PEOPLE WHO STILL
LIVE IN THE BACK CORNER OF
MY MEMORIES AND BRING ME
JOY EVEN NOW.
MY DAD BACAME A STUMBLING
MINE CLOWN WITH A CROOKED
A MOUTH. ONE EYE OPEN AND
ONE EYE CLOSED, HIS HEAD
.
PREPERATION FOR THE INCOMING CIG... SHE WOULD CURK HER LIP UP AND CARFULLY BRING THAT LITTLE NUBBIN OF A SMOKE TO HER PERFICTLY FORMED LIP. AFTER A LONG... AND I DO MEAN LONG DRAG...COMPLETE WITH EYES ROLLING TO THE BACK OF HER HEAD LIKE A JUNKEY TAKING A HIT! PINCHED TIGHLY BETWEEN THE THUMB AND POINTER FINGER, SHE WOULD TAKE HER LITTLE PINKY FINGER AND FLICK THE ASHES OFF THE END. THE CHEEKS OF HER "TOOTHLESS" MOUTH, NOW FULL OF IMAGINARY SMOKE WOULD CAUSE PUFF WAY OUT. SHE DID THIS BITING MOTION REALLY FAST THEN SHE WOULD SLUSHING AROUND INSIDE HER MOUTH LIKE MOUTHWASH RIGHT BEFOR A SPIT. THEN AS IF BLOWING BUBBLES, SHE WOULD RELEASE THE "NON-SMOKE" SLOWLY. THIS WENT ON UNTIL THE INVESTABLE CIGARETTE BURNED HER FINGERS.
THIS CHARACTER WAS STRAIGHT FROM AN OLD MAN WE INCOUNTERED ONE DAY WHILE WASHING CLOTHES IN A LAUNDRY MAT IN SOME LITTLE TOWN IN MIDDLE AMERICA. THIS GUY WAS IN HIS OWN WORLD...AND FROM THAT INTERTAINING DAY, HE VICARIOUSLY TRAVELED WITH US AND OCASIONALLY SHOWS UP FOR DINERS WHEN MY FAMILY SITS AROUND RELIVING THOSE DAYS.
WE DID HAVE A RADIO IN THE FRONT OF OUR BUS AND OCCASIONALLY, WE WOULD PICK UP A STATION PLAYING SYNPHONY ORCHESTRA. SUSIE WOULD BECOME THE ABSENT MINDED CONDUCTOR WHO WAS DISTRACTED BY EVERYTHING. THIS CONDUCTOR WOULD BE USING #2 PENCILS AND VERY SERIOUS ABOUT HIS WORK. UNTIL...HE NEEDED TO CORRECT THE FIRST CHAIR FLAUTIST. HER CHARACTOR WOULD LOOSE ALL SINCE OF TIMING. THE ORCHASTRA WOULD, OF COURSE, KEEP GOING RIGHT ON BEAT WHILE THE CONDUCTOR TRIED TO GET THE ATTENTION OF HIS MUSICIAN. OBVIOUSLY, THE CONDUCTOR WAS NOT NEEDED, WAS NOT BEING WATCHED OR FOLLOWED BY ANYONE. THIS MAKES ME LAUGH WRITING IT! EVEN AS A LITTLE GIRL...SHE HAD PLAYED THIS ROLE TO THE FULLEST.
AS HARD AS I TRIED, I COULD NEVER FIND A TRULY FUNNY "BIT" THAT STUCK! I WOULD TAKE MY TURN AND GET THE "YOU'RE CUTE" LAUGHT. THAT ALL CHANGED WHEN I MET DRUCILLA. I WAS ABOUT 12 YEARS OLD WHEN SOMEONE GAVE MY GRANDPARENTS A USED CAR. IT NEEDED A GOOD CLEANING, AND SOMEHOW I GOT ELECTED TO DO THE JOB. THOSE OLD CARS HAD BENCH SEATS LIKE A COUCH. I REACHED MY HAND DOWN BETWEEN THE CUSHIONS AND GRABBED A HAND FULL OF TRASH, FOOD AND THESE FAKE TEETH. I RAN IN THE HOUSE, WASHED THEM OFF, QUICKLY PUT THEM IN MY MOUTH AND EMERGED AS THIS CHARECTOR. MY FAMILY BELLY LAUGHED AT ME FOR THE FIRST TIME! I TRIED TO TALK AND THAT WAS FUNNY. FROM THAT DAY FORWARD, IF I HAD THOSE TEETH IN MY MOUTH I BELEIVED I WAS DRUCILLA HICKAMEE. I DEVELOPED IMAGINARY FAMILY MEMBERS AND THE STORIES COULD GO ON FOR DAYS.
AS A TEENAGER, I WOULD TAKE THESE TEETH IN MY PURSE ON A DATE TO AVOID A GOODNIGHT KISS IF I WANS'T FEELING IT! I TOOK THE TEETH EVERYWHERE! DRIVING, I WOULD POP THEM IN MY MOUTH AT A STOPLIGHT, LOOK OVER AND IF THE PERSON IN THE CAR NEXT TO ME LOOKED...I'D SMILE REALLY BIG TO GET THE REACTION. ONE TIME, WE HAD BEEN IN LOS ANGELUS DOING LIVE TV FOR A TBN TELETHON. A WELL KNOWN GENTELMAN CALLED THE STATION AND ASKED TO TAKE MY SISTER OUT FOR DINNER THAT EVENING AND SHE DICIDED TO GO. (HE WAS A WELL RESPECTED "SINGLE" PASTOR OF A LARGE LOCAL CHURCH...NOT SOME WEIRDO.) ANYWAY, SINCE HE DIDN'T KNOW ME, I DRESSED UP AS DRUCILLA AMD WENT DOWN TO THE HOTEL LOBBY TO WATCH FOR HIM. WHEN I SAW HIM COME IN, I (DRUCILLA) "BUM-RUSHED" HIM TO GET HIS AUTOGRAPH. HE GRACIOUSLY DID THAT, AND PROCEEDED UP THE ELEVATOR TO HER (OUR) ROOM. UPON GREETING HER AT THE DOOR, HE STARTED TELLING SUSIE ABOUT THE EXPERIANCE HE HAD JUST HAD DOWNSTAIRS IN THE HOTEL LOBBY. SHE STOPPED HIM AND SAID "I'S SO SORRY, THAT WAS MY SISTER!" HE HAD NEVER MET ANY OF MY FAMILY IN PERSON, HE THOUGHT, THERE MUST BE A 3RD SISTER? IT WAN'T UNTIL THE END OF THE DATE, WHEN HE ACTUALLY FIGURED OUT THAT DRUCILLA WAS ME, CINDY, WHO HAD PLAYED THAT TRICK ON HIM.
OVER THE YEARS, I HAVE DEVELOPED A LOT OF STAND-UP MATERIAL FOR DRUCIALLA. SHE HAS A FULL WARDROBE AND EVERYTHING. WHEN PLANNING MY WEDDING WITH MARK, HIS ONLY REQUEST, WAS THAT SHE WOULD N-O-T ACCOMPANY US ON THE HONEYMOON!
A FEW YEARS AGO, HE EDITED THIS SPOOF AUDITION FOR AMERICAN IDOL.
MOM WOULD ACT LIKE AS AN OLD LADY WHO WAS
MISSING ALL HER TEETH. HER CHARECTER LOVED TO ROLL
SMOKES SO, WITH PAINSTAKING DETAIL, SHE WOULD
ROLL UP THESE AN IMAGINARY CIGARETTES', CARFULLY
LOCKING THE END OF THE PAPER TO SEAL THE EDGE. IN
WAS NOT UNDER THE WHEEL DRIVING, HE WOULD ALMOST FALL AND WE WOULD LAUGH EVERY TIME. REMINICENT OF RED SKELTON, DADDY HAD HIS VERSION OF A SIMULAR FELLA. THIS REMAINES ONE OF MY FAVORITE MEMORIES OF MY DAD!
IN THE WORDS OF MY MOTHER:
"LAUGH EVERY CHANCE YOU GET. IT DOSEN'T COST EXTRA."